What I have learned in 2 years and 10 months

First of all, I've missed the hell out of you, my darlings.

It's been way too long, and for that, I apologize.  Much has happened in the almost 3 years that have passed since my last post.  I have had a few exhibitions, as well as many new drawings and pieces of jewelry, I got married, and I even had a baby.  His name is Asa and he's pretty awesome, as evidenced by this pic:

Some other things have also happened... I found a new strength and an undefined spirituality which, unsurprisingly, coincided with the beginning of my pregnancy.  It's impossible to predict how the barrage of hormones will impact any woman.  That being said, pregnancy is a pretty magical thing (save the nausea, swelling, acne and clumsiness), and I would expect that other women have had similar experiences during this biologically transformative time.

In January of 2014, before I found out I was expecting, a friend suggested I illustrate a tarot deck.  I didn't know anything about the tarot, but I was intrigued, and as I learned more, I found that the language used by many guides was extremely positive and supportive.  It was suggested that using the tarot was more like an exercise in perspective, and less of  a form of fortune telling.  This made me comfortable enough to start playing; reading my own cards with the beginner Rider-Waite tarot that my friend had given me and sketching ideas.  My first image came to me suddenly and with some force, and I began illustrating The High Priestess.  She is the representation of our intuition and personal psychic abilities, which some (including me) believe we all have and sometimes need assistance in getting acquainted.  

I set up an exhibition with B Square Gallery for June to light a fire under my ass, and by the time the show rolled around, all 79 illustrations were complete, cards were designed, and decks were printed and ready for sale.  It felt good to be surrounded by the drawings and the energy they created.

Since that time, I have been doing amateur readings for myself and friends with my own cards.  I'm thinking about making remote readings available online for a small fee, since it is something I can do from home with the baby nearby.  I'll let you all know if that happens.  

The other piece of the puzzle (which I will delve into more in the coming posts) is a new sense of magic and ceremony in my actions and artwork.

In December of 2014 I was laid off from my job, for which I maintain much affection.  Teaching at a college level felt like a calling.  It came naturally to me despite my speech anxieties and inexperience in the field, and my students and supervisors were consistently pleased with my work.  Rave reviews from my classes would rejuvenate me, and criticisms would spurn excited overhauls of my curricula.  This past quarter, the classes were simply not available, and after 7 years at my job, I still had the least seniority, meaning it was my time to move on.  I oscillated between mourning the loss of a fabulous job with amazingly supportive students, coworkers, and administration, and accepting that this is what the universe intends for me, and being excited about the incredible breadth of possibilities that lay before me.  Now I find myself more firmly in the second camp, but I am dealing with a bit of an identity crisis that I'm sure all the moms out there will be able to identify with;
I don't know who I am supposed to be anymore.
This baby demands a lot.  Much more than I had foolishly anticipated.  And I had not expected to lose my job at the same time.  It turns out the timing is fabulous because I can be home with a high-maintenance little man while I think about what I want most out of my professional future... But the timing is also incredibly difficult.  When I was pregnant, I felt like a uterus with legs.  I had no identity separate from being a baby-builder, and all of my major and minor decisions revolved around the happiness and well-being of this person I had not yet met.  When he arrived, we quickly realized that appetite would not be a problem for him.  He wanted to nurse around the clock.  He would sleep for an hour and a half at best, and I was not comfortable pumping yet, so I transformed from a uterus into a pair of breasts with legs; my sole purpose being to bring food to this very hungry baby.

So, now Asa is 4 months old.  He is happier and less demanding, but still a bit high-maintenance.

The challenge now for me is forging a new identity.
I had always BEEN what I was DOING.  I had never spent any time BEING and getting to know what that means, and my intrinsic value as a person, friend, daughter, wife, artist, and mother.  I have always placed so much importance on product and productivity, and it is difficult for me to go a day without drawing something, selling something, teaching someone, writing something, or, ideally, all of the above.  But I am being forced to figure it out and to see who I am and to love myself for it.

.........

"Asa" is a Hebrew name and it means "healer."  His challenges are gifts to me, and the more I can focus on that, the happier we can both be.  A perspective of gratitude can help me navigate this new territory.  I am a mom, I am an artist, I am a teacher, and I am more than the sum of my parts.  I will do my best to raise this baby to be strong, confident, independent, kind and good, but I will make mistakes, like every mom does, and my baby will learn from those mistakes too.   I will take time to offer myself kindness, even when it seems impossible, and know that there is value in it.  I will trust my intuition and try to help others do the same.

Next time, I will share an experiment in intuition with you.  Until then, much love,

Gretchen

An Intimate Conversation in Public

A few months ago, I began working towards a show which will debut at B Square Gallery (614 South 9th St) in July of this year. The series I will be creating is comprised mostly of shrink-film constructions (inspired by my jewelry line BirdQueen Designs) which showcase characters attempting to forge meaningful relationships, suspended in time and space, and debilitated by their own self-absorbed nature and personal baggage. These pieces are not intended to be judgmental about their characters, but rather they are an attempt to show this... inability to take one's focus off of themselves... to be entirely unselfish or completely objective and understanding. That being said, "these things that keep me from you," the piece shown, features 2 characters trying to reach one another, but having difficulty getting to the person behind all of the defensive walls, expectations, and external pressures. It is fascinating to me that we can never truly know anyone inside and out... it's simultaneously frustrating and liberating. Keep an eye out for more pieces from An Intimate Conversation in Public, and come see the show in July!

Creepy is the New Black.

<-- I <3 Juliette Lewis

Well, maybe not "creepy" but, at least weird. From what I have learned from such films as White Christmas and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, there once was a time when "coolness" came with a certain degree of poise and elegance. Being fashionable and chic were one in the same. Maybe it's just my artschool upbringing, but it seems like chic-ness illicits eyerolling among the very coolest of the cool. If you are chic, expensive, well-tailored... you're simply trying too hard (even if you make it look easy). "Be Yourself," has metamorphosed from a lets-all-get-along saying to some sort of a challenge... and, part of me likes it.

So I challenge you to "Be Yourself," but not in a comfortable way. Be a cartoon of yourself, or, yourself to the Nth degree.

It seems like part of the effect of this onslaught of information associated with the world wide web has been a perverted self-awareness. We post about what we like and what we know about ourselves, all the while perpetuating our cartoonish external identities. We are encouraged so much as children to differentiate and embrace the things that make us different, and make us stand out, that it becomes difficult to know what we have been pressured to believe about ourselves, as opposed to what is actually there to begin with. It's exciting to live in a time that I believe favors differentiation to conformity. It's liberating! But are we putting too much pressure on ourselves to be different? To stand out? To invent?

I was just talking to one of my classes about this (vaguely). We were discussing how the English language is disintegrating, and I had what I think may have been an 'aha' moment. Typically I would quietly complain to myself about the fact that 1/2 of the papers I had to read were completely illegible because of an inconsistently twitter-like sentence structure and abbreviated words... But this time, something different happened. I thought, "Maybe this is the way language is supposed to evolve." Plently of philosophers believe that language itself is flawed- that using arbitrary symbols to try to get a message across is downright stupid. Someone go wake up Neitzsche. Tell him we are on the way back to images from abstract symbols. If we get a few more murals up in Philadelphia, future generations will think that we communicated that way anyway.

What did I start out talking about here? Oh, right. Creepy is the new black. So anyway- there is more emphasis placed on the person today rather than the generation, the family, or the nation. It's really fine with me. People are making more and more amazing things every day- and sometimes I think it's genuine. Here is a new piece that I made for BirdQueen Designs, as well as a piece from ilovegreyskies (below).

"In My Body," "In Loving Memory of Yellow," and the rest of 2011

So, one of my new years resolutions SHOULD be to get better at posting more often, but, instead I will just take advantage of this snow day as an opportunity to catch you all up on the fantasticness in my life.
In the end of 2010, a multimedia project titled "In My Body" began with an exhibition of Leah McDonald's encaustic photographs of female nudes. To oversimplify, the objective of the project as a whole was (and is) to explore feminine self-image and self-esteem as it relates to gender roles and imposing societal norms. Shortly after the opening reception for McDonald's work at the Wexler Gallery in Old City, Wexler hosted an expert panel discussion about women and body image featuring a personal trainer, a plastic surgeon, an emerging fashion designer specializing in plus-sized women's denim, an ex-ballerina, a psycho-therapist, and a Qi-Gong instructor. I had the priviledge of attending and was enthralled by the conversation which was both engaging and eye-opening. It was interesting to have the plastic surgeon in there, sprinkling the conversation with slightly tense moments that sparked some confused and dissatisfied mutterings among attendees.
The last piece of the puzzle was a multimedia performance featuring vocalists, musicians, dancers and projections of McDonald's photographs. I had the pleasure of attending on this past Saturday evening. I have to admit, performance art is not my favorite, and hearing people sing sometimes makes me uncomfortable. Before the performance I was tense and nervous that it would not be something I would enjoy, but I was pleasantly surprised. For the majority of the performance, one dancer from the Melanie Stewart Dance Theatre would perform a movement piece while McDonald's photographs of that dancer were projected behind her, and one of the vocalists would read a personal story written by the dancer about her relationship with her body. Some of the anecdotes were incredibly moving, and the choreography was both beautiful and expressive without being too lyrical or literal. When it came time for Melanie's solo piece, the audience was completely engaged. While the vocalist told her story there was laughter, a gasp, and then silence- her story had been so personal and so well-paced. I found myself wishing I could run up to her and give her a hug and tell her that most women would kill to have her body, and I found myself wishing I belonged to this dance company.
So, that is one decision I have made about 2011- it is time to dance again.
At the end of the performance, Marissa Hines, who had been narrating through the entire evening stood up with her microphone and started belting out the song that had been adopted as a theme for the entire show. I was amazed. Her voice was absolutely astounding. I want to know what else she does, because it was quite possibly the most impressive voice I have ever heard live. The evening ended, and I was very glad I had attended this event.
"In Loving Memory of Yellow" is a short story and drawing project that I have been working on for the past 2 years and it is finally coming to fruition. The 33-drawing series will be showcased in an exhibition titled "Old Bones" which will hang at either Bambi Gallery or Proximity Gallery in Philadelphia with a first-friday opening next week (we are waiting to hear about the venue). "Old Bones" is a two-person exhibition featuring my work and the work of my boo, Daniel Hoffman, who will be showing some of his recent works in the other half of the gallery. In Loving Memory of Yellow is also now available for sale through createspace and features 5 written short stories based on my strange and surreal dreams, plus "I'm Already Married to My Habits," a short story comprised solely of the 33 images which will be featured at the opening reception on the 4th. You can buy the book here. Please come out to the opening reception next Friday if you can!!
On Tuesday Feb.1st, Dan and I will be closing on our house in South Philly. Very exciting!!! I will post pics when we get some things set up, but we are both very happy to be getting into a place with a LOT more space.
As far as the rest of 2011 goes, I am optimistic. I have a lot of work ahead of me, as well as a lot of opportunities. BirdQueen Designs just keeps growing, and I will be taking a more active role in the promotion of my jewelry in the coming year. The images on the site will be getting a little bit of a makeover so they will be consistent and more professional-looking, and, as always, you can look forward to seeing more designs on a monthly or bi-monthly basis (if you're interested).
2011: New house, big exhibition, first book and hopefully vending at a lot of prestigious fairs this spring and summer.

You had me at "Jewels Verne."

I was recently inspired to look up some funky engagement rings by a friend who confided in me that he is thinking of "popping the question," and now I have become completely obsessed with jewelry websites and making myself familiar with some very talented designers working in upscale materials (as well as some fun plasticky etsy designers).

First, I was looking for engagement rings and I came across the ring of MY dreams, which isn't necessarily helpful when suggesting sites and rings to someone else. To the left is the interesting-enough-for-me-to-care-a-little-about-diamonds masterpiece by Shaun Leane; a designer who sells through the Astley Clarke website and specializes in organic-looking enamel and precious metal pieces for the chic hippie. This particular piece is the most understated in a series of oversized cocktail rings, pedants and earrings that incorporate cherry blossoms and buds. His other works featured on the site are also inspired by flowering trees and the juxtaposition of metals, precious stones, enamel (occasionally in fun colors) and pearls.

Another designer on the Astley Clarke website is Stephen Webster. While a little goth, I can definitely appreciate his sense of humor in both design and titling. His "Jewels Verne baby jellyfish" collection had me rolling around on the floor (inside), whilst still admiring the simultanaeity (?) of beauty and ridiculous punny-ness.

If you are looking for something a little more affordable, this lovely bird cutout bracelet is sure to make any nature-lover happy. Fresh and lightweight and great for matching with winter whites and spring and summer brights- a real year-round treat from Etsy designer Miss Blue Bird and Oscar. Also, it's only $14.00. Lovely.

And, lasty but not leasty is a couple of adorable elephant cufflinks for the distinguished gentleman in your life- available in purple or blue, these enameled sterling silver cuff-buddies march proudly around the end of your man's sleeves. Designed in-house by Astley Clarke for the well-dressed man with a cool sense of humor.

My Memory's Not What it Used to Be...

But, I think, in some instances, it has actually gotten better.
For those of you who know me and the bodies of work I have been kicking around for the last couple of years, you know that memory has played an important role in my subject matter. Whether it is sketching out an idea for an installation or fleshing out the details of a dream-inspired short story, I rely on my fractured memory to piece together the details. In the short story I am presently working on, I deal with this issue directly. In an effort to honor my grandfather, I am trying to tell the story of my relationship with him, through a series of conversations which prove what I "know" about him to be false. This story is based on actual conversations and, since beginning this project, I have all but lost faith in my ability to recall accurate information.

However, there is still something beautiful to be found in this inability to conjure. The invented events do not change the amount of love that I felt for my grandfather. They are simply born of assumptions I made about him based on clues that I remember quite vividly (for example: I thought he worked for YELLOW trucking company because of a notepad he always had next to the phone in the kitchen). My ability to "make something up" has leaked out into my day-to-day activities and perverted my ability to recall facts... but has not affected my enjoyment of these snack-sized memories. I loved my grandfather, I loved his notepads, and I loved the fact that I believed Mentos didn't exist outside of my grandparents house.

To counterpoint, I actually HAD a memory today. As in, I recalled something that I hadn't thought about or known in a very long time. My friends and loved ones know it is very common for me to forget something, but this moment of remembering (without someone saying, "remember when...?" and describing a scene until I finally recalled it), is rare and special.

I was working on a drawing for Fleisher's Dear Fleisher invitational biennial benefit exhibition (not the piece featured above, I won't be able to show this new piece until the sale and exhibition at the end of September), and the particular blue I was using to fill in an area of the drawing looked, for a moment, EXACTLY like the sky at my cousin Courtney's house when we were kids. Then I remembered how special the sunsets were there. She lived in Bethlehem, and I lived in Stroudsburg. In my hometown, uninterrupted skies were impossible to see through miles and miles of dense forest and rolling hills. Bethlehem, however, was fairly flat (where Courtney's house was) and, on clear evenings, you could ALWAYS see the sunset from her swingset. We would make sure that we were sitting on top of the monkeybars at the right time to see the pinks and oranges in the sky, and we would talk and laugh and hang upside-down.

She also had romper-stompers (hand-me-downs from Grant), a monkey swing, and Grape Escape. My only punishment for this bounty of worldly delights would be the occasional dinner with beets as a side dish. I still think they taste like dirt.

Worth Saving For

Ok. I just made a 29th birthday pledge to myself to cut down on my material posessions. I intend to root through my closet, bookshelves, art supply bins, and that dreaded cage in my basement that houses my most expendable items to find the things I do not use and purge them from my life. But of course, in the spirit of all things born of good intentions, I have already deviated from this good natured task. Yesterday I stopped at Ann Taylor to use the birthday gift card they gave me on a new top (it expires at the end of August! I HAD to!), I brought a discarded storage box and a sewing machine in from the sidewalk (someone HAS to have a use for it, I just need to check and see if it works before I offer it up), and today I have already recieved a lovely birthday present from my coworker, James, and a beautiful fashion illustration textbook from my boss, Alison.

And then I went to the Fabric Workshop's website.

I am putting together a sheet of information for my Product Development students about block printing and silkscreening, and (in the off-chance that one of my students becomes interested in textile design) I wanted to put together a sheet of information about the Apprenticeship program at the workshop, and was snooping around the website for info and cool images. One of the special things that the workshop offers are artist multiples... and one of the featured artists is KIKI SMITH. YES!!!! So I have posted images here of some of the items you could purchase at the gift shop by Kiki- a creepy peoplehead bird that has a motion detector inside and it makes some sounds or something, and a ceramic sheep bank.

So, once I get rid of 100 or so of my worldly posessions in this mega-purge, I'll reward myself with my very own work of Kiki Smith art. *sigh*